1/11/16
1:06 pm
I sent this email,  with copies to my witnesses.   Maybe Dad will come talk to me…with his checkbook…
Dad, your mother sexually molested me and you know it.  Wanna talk about it?
9:22 am
I’m glad I quit smoking.  Isaac says every time you smoke a cigarette God takes five hours of your life and gives them to Keith Richards.  Dad is plowing the driveway.  I went outside and gave him a bag of chocolate chip cookies and said, “Thank you very much.”  Dad also said, “Thank you.”  It was almost like normal people.

THE NSA SAYS IT NEEDS 4 YEARS TO ANSWER A FOIA ABOUT A COLORING BOOK

Read more: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED | The History The US Government HOPES You Never Learn! http://whatreallyhappened.com/#ixzz3wxVH3hb3

My president wants to retire in Dubai?  Didn’t we give him good enough vacations here-bouts?  I guess maybe we’ll never know…since he FIRES ANYBODY WHO CROSSES HIM.  (And, that HAS been his track record…)

BREAKING: Top US Admiral Fired For Questioning Obama Purchase Of Mansion In Dubai

Read more: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED | The History The US Government HOPES You Never Learn! http://whatreallyhappened.com/#ixzz3wxVgmEir

Bill Clinton’s FBI Head Is Called In to Show Bill Clinton ‘Not Present’ at Jeffrey Epstein Underage Sex Orgy
(Is it easier to PROVE A NEGATIVE… if you control entire intelligence agencies?  Lawyer question:  OK, your guy wasn’t at that orgy.  What orgy was he at?)
ONE YEAR AFTER VA SCANDAL, THE NUMBER OF VETERANS WAITING FOR CARE IS UP 50 PERCENT
(My dad is a vet.  He tells us all that our sons should go into the military.  BUT,he didn’t ever tell that to HIS OWN SON– because he NEEDS that token-son to pretend that he is a Christian so BAPTIST IDIOTS will also believe that HE, himself, is a Christian.)  (At one time His SON was not a fake.)  (Seriously.  My brother wasn’t,  at one time; he wasn’t a fake.)

Hey, Daddy!  You just keep paying your taxes…”Go America!  HOO-rah!”

Feds indict first bank that got TARP bail-out money
AGAIN ‘HOO-RAH’…WE LOVE AMERICA AND WE LOVE JESUS!
 (Wait…is it possible to do both of those things?)  (Dad told David that was so. Dogma stands.)  

11:32 am

Message from Belgium:

andrea maria laroche

8:59 AM (32 minutes ago)

to me
Dear Linda ,
please , read the answer on my letter i send to the doctors / and to you/.
What do you think about the answer ?
—-

Linda Goldthorpe <goldthorpelinda@gmail.com>

9:30 AM (2 minutes ago)

to andrea

“Dear Lord Jesus,”

“Our dear friend needs some help very badly and she asked me to help her communicate her need to some other people who speak different languages than I.  Please, let me recognize anything in her messages that I could help her say in a different way…if that is necessary.  (You could also teach me French if you wanted…)”
“I am without earthly resources to assist her in any way, and that feels terrible.  But you are my best friend and you are the Lion of Judah and the scepter will never pass from Judah… which means ‘praise.’  So, instead of whining to you again about how much I love her and how helpless I feel, I will offer you thanksgiving and praise.  I know that you love her FAR MORE THAN EVEN I do.  I know you had a plan for her life since before the creation of anything.  I know those doctors will also answer to you, as will those wicked people who harm others who have never harmed them.”
“Dear Lord.  Thank you for creating my beautiful friend.  Thank you for letting me meet her.  Thank you for even the evil that has been perpetrated against both of us.  Thank you that NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN that is not meant for their benefit, and for the benefit of the most people, because you love us all.  (Even the doctors and psychopaths.)  I’d really like to ask you to perform a miracle on my friend’s eye, so that she could be a sign and a wonder for those who ignore her intelligence because their egos are so puffed with bullshit.  Please, give her a tremendous miracle.  Thank you so much for her life!!!  Thank you for her kindness, and for her determination!!  If I had a friend like that at my elbow I’d never sleep;  I wouldn’t need food!  I’d keep plugging away…I’d keep spreading your TRUTH, just as she does.  Love her so much and so tangibly that it doesn’t even matter what happens to her body.  Wait.  I guess you already do that.  Fill her with peace and confidence.”
“We who have been and are tortured do not expect kindness from others,  and our confidence diminishes, even our confidence in you.  Forgive us,  and GIVE YOURSELF SOME GLORY THROUGH OUR LIVES!!  Give Maria absolute peace.  Give her miracles and friendship.  Give her the CONSTANT KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR SUPERNATURAL LOVE AND POWER.  Give her my best regards and my longing to be with her.  I miss her a lot.”
Dad PLOWED MY DRIVEWAY!  And when I went outdoors to say thank-you and to give him the cookies I had pre-packaged for the possibility that he might show up, he said, just like a real-live adult without a single bit of BULLSHIT: ” THANK YOU.”
( I couldn’t be any prouder of an infant.)

7:46 am

I bet my fat body introduces as many BTU’s into the water as a stupid puny lightbulb.  And, maybe if he showed me how to turn it off, I COULD ALSO LEARN HOW TO TURN IT BACK ON WHEN I’M FINISHED?  Just spit-balling here…
Also, illuminating one’s body in a tub of water puts on a great peep-show doesn’t it?  I dislike THAT ASPECT TOO.  (“Forgive me Lord for suggesting that George might watch me out of his bedroom window.  Forgive me for presuming he wouldn’t.   Either way, it’s bad for me to think.’)

7:44

7:33 am
Nice try.  I am not permitted to sit in water that is not lit by a tiny lightbulb that somehow is supposed to assist the REALLY GOOD WATER HEATER.  I’ve told him I don’t like  to be immersed in illuminated-linda-flab but that bulb is supposed to ‘SAVE MONEY’.   I’m VERY TIRED OF LIVING WITH AN ANAL-RETENTIVE…
But, this is not my life.  “God forgive me for getting so mad at George when I couldn’t untruss the ridiculous bindings  on the tub and he wouldn’t let me even know how to turn the light off so I could sit there in the dark.  He’s your business and you love him.”
“Isn’t there some place where my preferences could MATTER EVEN A LITTLE BIT?  If not, please give me more grace because I’m sinning every time George opens his mouth.  That’s my problem right, and not his?  Forgive me again.  Please.”
7:06 am
I’m going into the hot tub and it’s seven degrees outside.
“Thank you, Jesus!  I just realized that although I know it well…I HAVEN’T SEEN MY DAD’S  CHARACTERISTIC SMIRK IN SEVERAL YEARS!!!  Please forgive me Lord, (if it’s a sin…) but  I kinda PREFER  SEEING  FEAR instead, on my sperm-doner’s  FACE.  Thank you that he COULD NOT KILL ME.   Thank you that he will NOT EVER HARM ANOTHER PERSON…of those who do not voluntarily submit to his bullshit.  Amen.”

6:47 am

The Smirk on the Face and the Knife in the Back. Betrayal with Condescension and Insults.

“The tell-tale smirk, and the knife in the back.  When a psychopath pulls a fast one on you in a relationship, at work, anywhere, there will be a patronizing, condescending demeanor;  there will be a smirk that goes like this: […].”
[The smirk comes after]  “…a statement like:  ‘Well I deeply regret what’s happened…’  [involuntary smirk]”

6:30 am
“EVEN IF THIS LOOK IS DIRECTED AT SOMEBODY ELSE…TRUST YOUR GUT AND LEAVE!!!”
6:13 am
5:11 am

Narcissist stare of death

“…never confront a narcissist about anything you have learned…”
“Any damage you may cause to their ‘perfect’ self-image…or narcissist-ego…   will slate you for punishment.  And often you will see the ‘narcissist stare of death’ beforehand…”
 
“You see, the narcissist has a fragile ego, although they always appear to be right.”
“So what does this stare look like?  Well, It appears as they are looking straight through you.  You see no emotion, no fear.  Nothing.  Just a feeling of pure and utter evil.”
“It’s as if the lights are on…but no one is home.”
(I have recorded my father’s stare numerous times; and also the circumstances surrounding that stare.  When confronted, he DOES NOT EVER BLINK.)
 
 
“Now, if you think you are on the receiving end of a smear-campaign, after you have done something to warrant the ‘narcissist’s stare of death’ they will more than likely turn the SMEAR CAMPAIGN INTO OVERDRIVE.”
 
(I EVEN RECORDED THAT!  Keeping track of dates and times is really helpful.  Dad is so toast.)
“The sad reality is even though many have been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s stare of death, many THAT ARE CO-DEPENDENTS will try to work with this narcissist, try to find out what is wrong with him…and I have to say, this is the WORST THING  IN THE WORLD YOU CAN DO.”
“…IT’S TIME TO LEAVE…DON’T TRY TO TALK SENSE TO HIM…”
“BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH IS IN DANGER…BUT YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH IS IN DANGER TOO…”
“YOU HAVE TO REALIZE SOMETHING:  YOU ARE DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE CONSCIENCE…THEY DON’T FEEL PAIN WHEN YOU HURT.  THEY CAN’T EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR SORROW, AND ALL THIS PERSON KNOWS IS:  YOU DISAPPOINTED HIM SOME WAY…”
“THE KEY THING TO KEEP IN MIND IS… THIS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE SOMETHING YOU DID INTENTIONALLY…”
“This could be something you did by accident…and now you are slated for punishment…”
 
 
 
 

Labyrinth of the Psychopath 4 – Them “Smirking” Eyes…

 
“A psychopath, male and female, smiles like this…It’s like the Joker from the old Batman cartoon…”
“It’s almost like a painted-on smile but the eyes don’t smile…”
(I’ve noted many times,  that my dad does not laugh.  I’ve recorded his stare.  I’ve noted EVERY SINGLE PSYCHOPATHIC CHARACTERISTIC that I’ve SINCE LEARNED ABOUT!)  (Yup.  EVERYSINGLEONE.)
—-

THE ULTIMATE PREDATOR on HUMANS is “The PSYCHOPATH NARCISSIST”

“They are MANIPULATIVE, CONTROL OTHERS and HURT ALL AROUND THEM… ‘REPTILIAN-like’ qualities.”
WHY NARCISSISTS are “ALIEN NON-HUMANS” and CAN NEVER BE CHRISTIANS.
“How to RECOGNIZE THESE PSYCHOPATHS.”
(HEY FAMILY.  DO YOU THINK THAT’S TRUE?  WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO SEE OUR PSYCHOPATHIC NARCISSIST WIFE-ABUSING naked-baby-photographing-babysitter-fucking-son-disabling-daughter-murdering -KNOWLEDGE-deficient and WISDOM- REJECTING ‘father’  BECOME A CHRISTIAN?  Could he?  Is Jesus God?  or not, I guess…)
I AM REGULARLY ASTONISHED THAT MY ‘CHRISTIAN’ FAMILY DOES NOT CARE THAT GRANDPA IS GOING TO OCCUPY A VERY SPECIAL BERTH IN HELL.  MAYBE THEY WANT TO SEE THAT HAPPEN?  (In that case it would really be hard to blame them at all…)  (Stupidity however, is another matter…)
Nobody loves a person who permits him to maintain a false life that harms others.  Dad’s blood may be required at MORE THAN A FEW HANDS.

A Psychopathic Sex Offender – An interview with a real psychopath – Disturbing!

“Robert describes behavior that puts him in the category of POWER AND CONTROL RAPIST,  but doesn’t necessarily tell us that his problems are pervasive,  and that he has no capacity for attachment.”
 
“If I seen the children doing anything wrong…I would whip them and tell them…I would tell myself, SHE IS NOT GONNA  BE LIKE THAT.”
“I didn’t molest her then…I was grooming her to fit me…I started at about a year…”

4:54 am

1/11/16
4:37 am
Dear Dad,
Hasn’t this all been a hoot?  You and I have traveled a few roads that our significant-others haven’t even googled.  You and I both know what you tried to do..and we both (together with all of my readers…) know how pitifully you failed.  But, the STUPID PLAN can’t be blamed entirely on you.  satan wants us all to suffer and die, and you’ve been licking his boots.  I know that you are deceitful and that you harm others because you feel so much pain yourself.  BUT, you do not extinguish pain by lighting the pain-pyre someplace else.  Pain ONLY LEAVES when we 1) are forgiven FOR LIVING SHITTY LIVES, and 2)  feel ENOUGH love. (Perhaps 2 is contingent on 1.  That would be my most educated guess.)  NEVERTHELESS:  you are no longer PERMITTED to smear your Robert-stink on us.  We are valuable people.  You ARE NOT VALUABLE ENOUGH to HIJACK all of our lives on the remote chance that you might not FEEL LIKE SHIT ANY LONGER.  Jesus could help you there, but not without repentance.  Repentance has no chance to fix any person who CANNOT AND WILL NOT SPEAK THE TRUTH.  Bow now.  Or bow later.  I’ll miss you.  L
4:28 am

1/11/16

4:20 am

Golden Child and Scapegoat Black Sheep: Narcissistic Parent’s Projected Splitting

“…it is at this stage that child abuse like  “emotional incest”.. is heightened…
“…the different treatment meted out by the narcissist becomes a life-long pattern…cast in stone…”
(It’s easy for a SCAPEGOAT to see that her life has been [considered] an accoutrement to somebody else’s whacked self-vision.  It must be a whole lot worse for a Golden Child to wake up one day and realize his entire lauded-life was merely an aspect of his parents’!   That sure puts ‘mama’s boy’ in a whole new light!)

Narcissism The Golden Child’s Abuse

“The narcissist FORCES them to be an extension of themselves…they have HUGE control issues…they are not allowed to be their own individual self.”
“Whether a child is put on a pedestal…or is beaten with it; either way it is abuse.”
(I remember all these years my dad has slandered my brother’s wife, saying she was controlling.  [We all just picked up on it and believed it and I will apologize to her if she ever talks to me.  I know now how he smears reputations falsely.]  He is VERY CUNNING and finds ways to deflect knowledge of his OWN MANIPULATIONS.  Our father sports with us all, and triangulates us against one another for his own amusement.)
[If a Golden Child as an adult]…knowing right from wrong…CHOOSES to continue to take on the traits of a Golden Child… and that is cruelty..then they’re no longer victims, they’ve made their choice.”

You, Too, Can Smell Like Vladimir Putin

The Russian president’s “warm, woody scent” is now available by the bottle in a swanky department store on Red Square.
Rekunov’s creation, “Leader Number One” eau de toilette, was designed in Belarus, made in France, and approved by Putin himself, according to the perfume’s distributors. The fragrance is on sale in only one place: in the heart of Moscow, on Red Square.

The perfumer said he once recognized his perfume on the street in Moscow. “I was in the underground pedestrian passage and sensed my scent—see, I deliberately made it noticeable and sustainable,” Rekunov told The Daily Beast.

The Narcissist’s Plaything– YOU

“The narcissist loves to sit back and watch you squirm.”

(I’m not enjoying the squirm-watching part of my truth-quest.  I don’t like seeing fear on my dad’s face every day since Father’s Day a couple years ago when I gave him thirty dewy 4-leaf clovers at the same time.)  (OK, maybe I did enjoy that time a little bit…)
“The narcissist literally uses lies and manipulation to watch you… try to prove a negative.  They get immense joy out of this, and satisfaction.”
“Watching you try to prove that YOU’RE SANE, and that THE NARCISSIST IS LYING, gives them great joy.  These are very intelligent [sic!]  and devious individuals.  They will think out their lie way in advance, knowing it will be difficult to disprove, and then sit back and watch the show.”
—-
(Come to think of it, I saw fear on my dad’s face way before the four-leaf-clover deluge [that has continued for several years.]  He looked REALLY SCARED after he had been gaslighting me for a long time… and I kept asking him for help!!! He tried to get me to do crazy things all the time, “Take your shirt off, honey.”  I’ve got to review my journals:  He has been afraid of me for much longer.  I guess he’s not ENTIRELY deluded…  “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”)
[My BROTHER’S dad is]…”like a shark, constantly swimming, never sleeping, and always thinking of ways to cause you conflict and pain.”
1/10/16
2:51 pm
5:08 am
“The Truth will set you free.  But first He’s gonna really piss you off.”
Did Trump pay these ‘alternative’ journalists for their endorsement?  I can’t believe this shit.
I don’t think anybody is going to convince me that there exists some legitimate reason for LAW ENFORCEMENT to distribute kiddy porn.  We are so screwed.
This is surreal.  We’ve got a spy-on-the-lam and he’s a rock-star but he ‘can’t’ come home?  Robots?  It’s so much worse than the Truman Show because the castmembers don’t even get a paycheck!!!  We can’t believe anything at all anymore, unless God says to.  That’s the point we’ve arrived, sorry to say.

‘Can’t arrest a robot’: Snowden’s hi-tech disguise surprises audience at Vegas convention

Diamandis then changed the subject to Snowden’s criminal charges, asking him if he would like to return to the US.

“Absolutely,” Snowden answered, but he isn’t ready, explaining that he lacks confidence that the US will treat him well, as they have only promised so far not to “torture” him.

(And doesn’t his pic look just like Big Brother?  Maybe Snowden’s the anti-BigBrother.  We’re supposed to see some ‘antis’ around pretty soon.)  (What a smug little prick.)

The Lonely Road of the Free Thinker

 Free thinkers are in fact the most threatening kind of people to the established system because they are independent and can actually see outside the rigged paradigm that most in power have unjustly built. They are usually demonized as crazy and dangerous, in the hopes that the gullible public will abandon their support and back the eventual takedown of them.  It is no wonder some of the great free thinkers like Martin Luther king, Mahatma Gandhi, and Jesus Christ are so polarizing at the time, as there is a large public who adores them for their courage and authenticity, yet there is a large majority who are taught to hate them for changing the current paradigm. It should become more obvious why they were all assassinated. The current power structure never wants to lose.
If the world has any hope of transforming into something beautiful, it is the free thinkers that will lead the charge. Free thinking is true self empowerment to the highest degree; deriving your own truth from within without the need for external approval. It’s not to say we don’t need others along the way or there is no form, in fact both are essential, but at the end of the day, one must have dominion and control over one’s own actions and the freedom to roam.
See more here:

“Psychopathy is our number one public health risk.”

“It’s not STD’s, it’s not AIDS.  It’s PEOPLE WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE.”

(She looks kinda like my sister-in-law.  Not as pretty though.)

“Can psychopaths be cured?”

“Genetic psychopaths,  technically no…we’re talking about very impacted neurology...lots of parts of the brain…”

IS your Government Gang Stalking You: Deep LEAK: Google-stalking For Covert NSA Research Funding – WILCOX KILL LIST SATELLITE HUMAN MAP TERRAINING HTS WANTS YOU! BE WARNED!

 

THE US GOVERNMENT IS USING TAX MONEY TO BRIBE COMPANY EMPLOYEES TO WATCH / SPY ON CUSTOMERS

You know, just yesterday I was talking about the STASI.
 

TEXAS GOVERNOR CALLS FOR CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION TO “WREST POWER FROM A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT RUN AMOK”

 
—-

EPA Releases Study On Pesticides Killing Bees, Gets Sued Immediately By Beekeepers

Read more at:
At least 231 children who sang in a boys’ choir led for 30 years by the brother of former Pope Benedict XVI were abused over a period of almost four decades, a lawyer investigating reports of wrongdoing said Friday.
Read more here:  

To save $5 million, these officials decided not to renegotiate a contract to get clean drinking water from Detroit, and instead opted to tap into the Flint River.

And some of these officials had been warned by the EPA months earlier that the river was contaminated with dangerous levels of lead.

Now, the residents of Flint are paying for the errors of their leaders. The lead-contaminated water is damaging the city’s water system but, more importantly, it threatens the health of anybody who drinks it. In the end, experts predict that the liability for this mistake will be “immense.”

–See more here:  http://whowhatwhy.org/2016/01/07/dirty-lies-local-officials-endanger-thousands/

 
NOTE TO SELF:  Buy this book when you get your money:
“COMPLEX PTSD:  From Surviving to Thriving”
by
Pete Walker
—————

How Covert Narcissists Brain Wash Their Victims

 
“I’m not torturing you…I’m cleansing you and loving you…I’m not the predator…”
—-

Why Can’t I Succeed? Internal Blocks To Success Installed By Emotionally Abusive Family Unit

 
Complex PTSD from being raised in an abusive family unit.
“Dear God.  You say you are never late.  Please save me before it gets this bad:”
 
It took her five long weeks to ‘detangle’ the 120 balls of yarn-worth of knotted mess, a time that she looks back on fondly. “I was so happy, I can’t tell you,” she recalled.

Will Mind Control Technology Be Applied to the Oregon Patriots? Confidential Source Says Yes

I work with a consortium of engineers and we have “accidentally” discovered an anomalous band of electronic frequency which is out of the ordinary and the location is near the Burns, Oregon, stand-off event in which a group of ranchers are protesting the taking over of their land by the BLM.
My colleagues have complained that they are no longer in charge of their own experiments and the nature and tone of the experiments is such that we all believe that a widespread application of what you have labeled “mind control” is about to be unleashed on the world, not just the United States. 
 In other words, this is a smoking gun patent for what is often referred to as “voice to skull” technology. This means that the thoughts (i.e. words) in your head may not be your own. This patent clearly demonstrates that the technology has existed to control your thoughts and the technology is over 35 years old.  
 
2:28 pm

Electromagnetic Stalking Dr John Hall Incredibly Important EDGEAM Interview with Daniel Ott

The technology is used most for sexual assault and corporate espionage.  Groups can can use it for  their own purposes…as long as the data gets sent to the right place.

New wave in tech: hacking the brain

The “mind control” headband unveiled by startup BrainCo effectively hacks into brain signals with a range of possible applications — from helping to improve attention spans, to detecting disease, controlling smart home appliances or even a prosthetic device.

The device “translates your brainwaves into electronic signals,” said the Boston-based firm’s Zenchuan Lei.

See more at:   
 

4:11 am

1/10/16

4:12 am

Narcissism 101: “Prove Yourself!”

(She realizes that her overwhelming gratitude at being taken seriously is not normal.  I know what that’s like.  I often cry when a person is nice to me.)
“I’m not used to people taking my word for something.   I’m not used to people defending me…
What I’m used to is having to explain myself; having to defend what I know is right.”
“…with a narcissist you’re on trial for the rest of your life…”
—-
——
“Dear Lord.  It feels like the CPTSD is getting worse.  Nobody believes me in my whole world except the prophet and my friends in WV.  Isaac would like to see me ‘get some help’ for the terrors and he believes entirely that I was abused as a child and suffer residually.  I DO need help:  All I need is somebody to talk to who doesn’t think I’m a liar.  My childhood hasn’t changed…what changed was the introduction of a whole new set of traumatic experiences…and they continue; I was hunted, that’s the fact of gangstalking.  I need to be in a safe place with loving people;  when I’m in bed trying to sleep and I hear a door in the hall I immediately wonder if I have offended somebody with my audio scriptures or if I failed to do something and somebody else is bothered. I have become more sensitive since learning about NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SYNDROME.  But, I’ve also learned to like myself a bit more.  I was NEVER a problem child and a lot of the time I was REALLY COOL.”  
 
“When I was first learning about gangstalking and electronic torture, I spoke to a woman with a support group for victims.  She said two things that stood out.  First of course, she was shocked that my Dad was involved with my torture.  I assured her I was certain he didn’t know what he was doing…and she cut me off.  She said, “They ALWAYS know.”  She also asked incredulously, “So you don’t have ANYBODY who is with you on this?”  She felt really sorry for me and that was four years ago.  Yet, I’m still here and Lord, it seems like it should get easier.  But, my documentation and commitment have not been valued by anybody and nobody values me.  I lived without ANY human love for several years so I’m very grateful that Josh and Isaac at least care about me now.”
 
“But, it’s not helpful at all to be discredited all the time.  How can I maintain reality and fight remote electronic torture all alone?  How can I do that when I’m finding it hard to even maintain with you?  I MISS YOU SO MUCH.  I miss the spiritual manifestations and I miss worshiping with people and I miss feeling loved.  It was great to be in WV because as soon as I was around other believers I began immediately to move in your Spirit.  So wonderful.  So wonderful to pray together.  Please, may I work on this project with Christians?  Please could it be soon?  Please, don’t let me go under.  I think I need that ‘Baptism of Love’ I heard about.  You fix abused people with that one, right”?
“If something doesn’t change soon I’ll have to try to leave again; I can’t even breathe, but leaving  seems pointless; and it really is, right?  Until I’m going the place where you want me to be, leaving is just an escape mechanism. (grin).  I want to stop panicking and it seems I can’t do that around people who believe I lie.  But, I suppose you could give all of them the Baptism of Love too and then maybe they’d see me right.  Maybe you have to start with Baptism of the Holy Spirit?  People consider that one weird!  It’s only a baby step!  It’s only PREP for actually living your life!”   
“I feel such condemnation in this house!  My breathing slows just a few miles from here.  I feel, over and over again that I have done something wrong and the fall-out is imminent.  I’m not supposed to panic.**  Also I am supposed to believe that you love me 100 percent, 100 percent of the time.  I can’t imagine what that would be like.  I’m supposed to believe that you don’t love me less when I fail.  I can’t imagine what that would be like.  I’m supposed to believe that you love me just as much even if I do not try, and in fact, you prefer that unless you’ve given me a specific task.  I want to try really bad God!  MY DAD WOULD NEVER LET ME TRY ANYTHING AND MY ‘HUSBANDS’ ASSURED ME THAT HE WAS RIGHT AND I WAS A PROBLEM.  How is it a problem to want to become everything you want me to be?  Why am I THE PROBLEM all the time?  Why can’t I live somewhere that I can be helpful, maybe fun?  I’m a tired plow-horse with visions of the meadow far away.  All my life that sad man convinced me I was worthless, and now that I know I’m not…his tentacles still steal my breath.  Deal with us please.  I sighed when I typed that; I’ve said those words so many times and I was sure in 2013 that you were going to claim me and pass judgment on my behalf.  That conniving selfish man is still stealing my peace.  Please, be God about that?”
“Opportunity.  That’s what Dad denied me, right?  Over and over, and he always denigrated my ideas.  I didn’t ask my dad for nothing,  nothing but a chance.  I was not permitted to have a chance.  Isaac didn’t believe me when I said that Dad hadn’t paid a penny for my education.  Mom paid for an apartment in the Soo in 1980 when I was attending classes.  Nothing.  Never a chance.  He wouldn’t even help me REFINANCE all my student loans!  He just laughed in my face about the attempt I made after it backfired!  A nice dinner at graduation, then out of the picture. Deal with him, God.  Thank you.  And see if you can get him to pay what I owe to his government so they don’t take away my passport.”
“I suspect that since Isaac is so entirely convinced that I was abused as a child and suffer ill effects, everybody else is probably seeing my dad and mom differently, too.  It was a shocker for him to acknowledge any truth in my words, and my child-abuse-neglect wasn’t anywhere near the front burner.  He sees what I have become and he knows trauma was involved.  He sees my parents differently maybe, we haven’t spoken about it.  George is still in love with my dad; he borrowed a plow truck from Dad so he could plow out his cousin’s vacant cabin because she might come here from Seattle some time before Spring.  He and Isaac shoveled our driveway; it took many hours.  Dad plows us sometimes, but never often enough that we can depend on it and not even once so far this year.  “Intermittent reinforcement.”  He deems to keep us all needy and dependent on him.  I recognize much more about his personality now, and I pity him.  But, he’s your business God.  Can’t you just keep him out of mine?  And make him pay his debts?  And tell the Truth?”
“The only ‘help’ I need is more of you.  You will set me free.  Truth will set me free.  I need you to show up!  I need you to be TRUTH in my situation.  I need you to be TRUTH for my sons and also for George.  I need you to show up for my mom and my brother.  I need you to be TRUTH for my nieces and nephews and my grand-niece.  We need TRUTH.  WE NEED YOU.  I can’t do this alone; please, please give these people some TRUTH!  Your body and your blood and there’s always enough!  Please, Jesus.  I am too weak to pass invocation and ritual and all that.  I’m at the end of me.  I can’t.  If you’re done with me, just say so.  Anything’s better than being disbelieved… because that is being unloved.*  Perhaps because I am becoming TRUTH,  I can’t tolerate any more bullshit accusations.  Could you deal with my share?  I love you and miss you.  Please could you give me your seven Spirits so maybe I could keep going.***  Sorry.  With more of you I wouldn’t be dragging-tail, I’d be jumping over walls in perfect precision with my comrades.  Please, have mercy on me and give me more and more of you. L”
“OMJ, (I thought that was cute…you must get so annoyed at us humans…)  did you just give me a revelation after all this time?  Isaac is eager to believe I was abused as a child, only because,  we gotta have a reason for my torment which is described in precise detail by the youtube-healers discussing NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SYNDROME…and the alternative is far worse.  He is unwilling to lose respect for his grandfather who is, TRULY, a murderer in his heart.  Please comfort both of their hearts.  Give them much love for one another…but WAY LOTS MORE LOVE FOR TRUTH.  And it is part of my promised heart’s-desire that both of those extraordinary men will love me too.”
*Love…believeth all things…Love never fails.
(I Corinthians 13:7-8)
**There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.  (Romans 8:1)
***And the spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord  (Isaiah 11:2)
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
(II Timothy 1:7)
12/9/16
7:41 pm

Made to Sleep the Entire Day. Remote Neural Monitoring

Dear, God, could I please be experimented on by the sleep-causing-goons  rather than the sleep-deprivation goons?

John Cullum, where would you go if you could go to any time you wanted?  (He was ‘Holling’ on ‘Northern Exposure’ and that’s about the last time I was interested in a TV show…)  (He played tennis in elementary school.  He musta been rich.)  (Does she have a good buzz or lousy dentures?) (I still think they’re pretty cool.)  (John was a folk-dancer.  So was my favorite professor before law school.)  (I gave her a copy of my book; she does ‘clogging’.)  (Her husband is the US highest expert on vampires.)  (They are friends with Stephen King.)

WANT TO TURN BACK THE CLOCK?

What is a Targeted Individual

“Such a victim is constantly under attack, and their whole life is sabotaged.”
—-
“It sounds a bit childish…it sounds a bit insane…it’s not rational, but it is real, it’s happening.”
(My daddy is gonna help a lot of people when he exposes the CRAP he’s been involved with.)
6:51 pm
“What is it you expect?  A message from the prophet?

Northern Exposure: Adam’s pessimistic views on nature…brilliant!

7:32 pm

5:10 pm
4:40 pm
I just got back from Marquette; it wasn’t my best trip ever.  My errands were few and easy but I didn’t finish them because every time I looked at people I got woosey.  I couldn’t stand what I was seeing and every person set off an emotion within me.  These weren’t all bad, but I’m kinda fragile still.  I felt the same way about buildings and cars on the way home.  Cars make me have flashbacks that border on paranoia so I rebuke the thoughts in the name of Jesus.  But also, lately I’ve been moved by buildings, especially cabins.  Actually, it’s been kind of weird, and I’ve dreamed of living in chalets and yurts and on houseboats and atop treehousemansions and with people of different colors and I always cook great new food.  In real life lately though, I drive the shore of Lake Superior;  and I’ve memorized details of shacks and bungalos; some of them I’ve noticed many times; but lately I’ve driven slowly so I could look into the windows (most of the places are vacant in January) and wonder what it would be like to spend a night inside.  I imagine staircases and porticos and cubbies and windows-from-the-inside-out.   I wonder what has become of children conceived in decrepit farm-houses; I mourn because the barns are almost gone. Nobody builds a stately wooden barn anymore, but if they did they could easily house hundreds.  I wonder what it would be like to live among a community of people who cared about shelter for others.  My very own family uses that basic necessity as a weapon against their very own.  They treat security as a behavior modification snorkel.  Tit for tat.  
The old barns around here haven’t even been pirated for reusable materials.  Barn-wood is worth a lot of money, to the right people.  Around here it mulches the ground as generations of weeds grow through it.  I’m getting flakier and I’m not the only one who has noticed.  But, flaky sounds better than paranoid.  God said at the beginning of my ‘saga’ that ‘not a hair on my head would be touched.’  He has said, numerous times that I am the SAFEST WOMAN IN MICHIGAN.  He hasn’t talked to me in a long time.  I have to keep remembering what he told me, and how much he loves me.
My mother has texted me a couple times; I believe she would like to believe in me.  She was unkind, but that is her way, and she disliked the language I used earlier and although she had no comment about my remarks, she wanted me to know she was thinking about me.  I reminded her of the vile names she and other ‘educators’ used for their ‘retarded’ students and suggested that my words are somewhat different, against an adult narcissist who has taken my 1) house, 2) relationships and 3) prospects.   She’s coming around.  I don’t believe anybody ever told her before that she had a right to her own feelings.  She can say whatever she wishes to me.  And I’ll return the compliment.  I love her very much and I’m looking forward to the day when her face will not always be scrinch-aimed for approval from a malignant narcissist.  I see her face even now, as it dares to rise toward the light and displays an unusual softness and longing, and a rare coherence.
It will be really fun to get to know my people once we all know we are safe from ridicule and censure.  We’re actually pretty fly.  (That word’s probably wrong.  My sons went for pizza so I can’t ask. What is a really outstanding current word that means really outstanding?  The shitz?  Tell me there’s something better.)  We are extraordinary people who have been denied self-actualization and authentic relationships because our lord-n-master has an ego the size of a steam-roller and he uses it to the smushing of our souls.  He’s done with that.  He can wave that  $1,000 gold certificate around as long as the Viagra-buzz lasts.  Then, he’s gonna have to come home.
 —

9:21 am

9:17 am
My dad is so very stupid that he does really funny things.  Yesterday I pulled into his office driveway as he was putting boxes into his LandRover with part of the logo missing.  I demanded the $120 he (legitimately) owes me for books I wanted to sell in his businesses so I could have some money before Christmas to buy gifts for my sons.  He said…  (“Dear God, please permit Adam to proffer my records of identical statements by my asshole-dad…”… with a straight face just as a GROWN-UP would do…:   “I’m not gonna do that.”  (He sounds like a toddler.  Right?)

8:07 am
What happens when a malignant narcissist begats an anointed child?  How much worse could the terror of first-time parenthood become?  I mean, what if the kid DOESN’T LOOK A THING LIKE YOU?  “Me, myself and Irene.”  Yeah, so the kids are negroid and my ex took off with a black Mensa-member… that DOESN’T MEAN THEY AREN’T MY KIDS.  To a narcissist, “my kids” means they are–MY TOOLS TO MANIPULATE OTHERS,  AND A SOURCE OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY.   My mom was a very bright woman.  Even as a child I could recognize that she was smarter than a lot of other adults who told me what to do.  That’s a rough spot,  for a child who wishes to obey, especially when one’s mother is in the darkened living-room feeling up the babysitter whom you also encounter naked on the couch with the father-figure.  Neither my mom nor my dad will recover from their fake lives… if they do not confess what they have been.  I don’t know why my good brain was put into their house,  whose master was a mentally-defective;  but I recognize the legitimate responsibility deposited on me thus.  This is exacerbated by the possibility that I might be the only person they ever encountered in their entire lives…who CHOOSES NOT TO BELIEVE LIES!   Anybody can be smart.  (Hell, I bet even my dad could become smart.)    (‘Smart’ means you don’t believe bullshit.  (Selah.)  ‘Recovered from abuse’ is WAY BETTER than smart.  Recovery means–not only do you not BELIEVE bullshit;  but…the blessed truth is that you don’t even have to ever even listen to bullshit ever again, even.  Selah.)
(“Living well” is not the best revenge; at best it’s only a sort-of-OK revenge.  BECOMING WELL IS the absolute ‘BEST REVENGE.’)  
PS-  SUCK ME, Daddy.
PPS-  “God, dear Jesus, please let me know if that was a sinful thing to say to my lying father;  but even if it was it was Truthful and you are God and if you don’t condemn me THEN NEITHER DOES ANYBODY ELSE.  I love you.  Amen.”
8:28 am
MUSIC, BREAK ME…
I just can’t stop thinking about Daddy, today!  Another dedication to my father, by the incomparable…Freddie Mercury…

Freddie Mercury – The Great Pretender (Official Video)

“My need is such…I pretend too much…I’m lonely … but noone…can tell…”
(Sigh.  Dad.  Who loves ya, baby?)
(Sigh.  Dad is still being outrageously rotten to me.  Do you suppose he thinks he might outsmart me in some manner?  Sigh again.)

7:41 am
7:34 am
MUSIC BREAK:  This one goes out to Robert d’Rabble-rouser…
“‘…cuz I…’m… gonna make you see.  
There’s nobody else here.  No-0ne like me.  
I’m special!  
(So special.)
I’m gonna have some of your attention…
(give it to me!)”

The Pretenders – Brass In Pocket

(Yeah,  it’s a great title.)

6:20 am
Attempting to establish independent personhood in the wake of PSYCHOPATHIC ABUSE, one cannot EVER stand down.  Abusers lie, and my father abuses EVERYBODY, and he also does that poor-me-bullshit so his victims will pity him.  Even as the tears dry and with apologies still floating on the air…my dad is regrouping and planning his next angle.  He is UTTERLY vindictive and he holds a grudge for…well, so far he can hold a grudge forever.  His influence on our family MUST BE ENTIRELY NEUTRALIZED.  Secular scholars say it is imperative to go entirely no-contact, but as a Christian, I am more optimistic than they, because I know that God can change even the biggest self-serving bastard in the world.  (OH.  Maybe not.  That would be satan.) BUT, satan’s followers were created by God and they’re fair game for redemption…but that is very rare, and until that day, I’d like to see my mom somewhere warm where she can listen to music and maybe share a glass of wine with a person who thinks more than her abusive husband.  After half a century with that selfish faker, she’s gotta be bored out of her mind.
I’ve had lots of visions and dreams about Helmer.  I’ve watched the local church EXPLODE.  (And I’ve seen myself on the grounds trying to warn people it would happen.)  I’ve seen myself driving my family out of the church JUST BEFORE IT EXPLODES, and I’ve seen myself surrender the steering wheel to Jesus.  Time is here, for now.  We’re going to drive out of the disaster and we WILL NOT HIT THE ENORMOUS ROCK IN THE ROAD, a HUGE BOULDER NAMED ROBERT.  My father’s vindictiveness will be exposed and he will suffer tremendously.  His family will be spared a lot of it.  Then his family will become Christians and we will love Dad as much as it takes for him to submit to Jesus who is love.  Otherwise, he’s the sperm-doner from a former world.  When we live in love and acceptance how could we ever even miss him?  We’d wipe our brows and say, “Whew.  Thank you Jesus.  Our dad ALMOST TOOK US ALL TO HELL. Thank you, wonderful Jesus.”
This is the bottom line.  This is the ABSOLUTE bottom line for my abused mother and my abused brother and for sweet Isaac who thinks my dad (and everybody else, actually) means well:  WE CANNOT TOLERATE HIS BEHAVIOR AT ALL.  We MUST demand absolute respect and consideration for EVEN THE WEAKEST AMONG US.  We will not listen to his (classic-narcissist…)  sob-stories and we will look beyond his gifts.  (But we can enjoy them I expect.)  WE WILL HOLD HIM TO THE STANDARD WE WILL ALSO DEMAND FOR OURSELVES. That standard will be absolute Truth, absolute Love, absolute Joy and utter acceptance for every person of good will.  We will NEVER AGAIN believe crap from a serial, non-repentant abuser who pits us against one-another.  A word to the wise:  until I see my father on his knees before Jesus with tears in his eyes…I will not believe a single word from his mouth.  
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