10:33 am
Update from my TI friend in Belgium;  I wish I could go see her:

Are you OK? (No text)

Linda Goldthorpe 6:30 AM (2 hours ago)


8:11 AM (21 minutes ago)

to me
Dear Linda ,
the proton radiation could be good but some “mistake” happened and so the one tumor gonna
i received new small tumors because the radiation they used not to do for full eye.
I have to receive new operation and new radiation.
My situation is extremely difficult .
I will write more in some days.

6:49 am

Yesterday was the worst day in a long time; panic last night, and vomiting.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t be the only person who demands truth; it’s unbearable to need so many things, and I can’t stand for truth sharing a house with a man who discredits my memories and my experiences and even my feelings.   I MUST HAVE TRUTH and I must feel safe and appreciated.  I know that God loves me but I couldn’t feel Him at all yesterday.  I couldn’t summon any hope about any matter.  I’m shaking this morning but I smiled once when I thought about how Connie starts to whine and vibrate when one of my sons’ cars pulls into the driveway.  I have forty dollars until next Thursday.  I should spend it on gas I suppose, so I can at least feel like I’m moving.  My hands are numb a lot of the time; one guy said that’s a symptom all victims of narcissists get.  Isn’t that weird?

Characteristics of Deceitful People

“Deceitful people have a God-complex.  They want to be and think they are the center of the universe; thus they will do whatever they have to, to get what they want.”
(I have no plan of action.  There  is nothing I can see that would make my life a single bit better…except to be away and I can’t accomplish that.  I need a miracle and I’ve needed a miracle since 2009.  I guess it’s a miracle that I’m still here.)

Setting Boundaries after Narcissistic Abuse

“When you are raised by a narcissist, your focus is outward.  You don’t consider the world from your own lens. You approach the world through the lens of the narcissist.”
(Yeah.  Because you’ve got to survive!)
You are trained very early on that your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, your body, your personal space…is not allowed.  
We are always trying to intuit, and predict the mood and the next action of the narcissist.  We are rendered incapable of paying any kind of attention to ourselves.
If we begin to love ourself…the narcissist loses power!
“Dear Lord, I see my family so clearly in these videos;  I remember growing up with an angry narcissist… and I feel really sorry for my mom.  I remember if I were sitting in front of the TV I’d always have a basket of laundry in front of my chair…so I could begin folding clothes in case Dad walked in.  He called Isaac yesterday…first thing he said was criticism; right out of the gate he puts us in our place.  He criticized Isaac because he was eating breakfast too late…without caring that Isaac had already taken a walk and meditated and lots of things.  Dad used to tell George I was strange because I got up too early!  He actually believes he gets to write a schedule for each of us!  PLEASE forgive him, and free my mom.  It’s hard to imagine the co-dependent depths she has sunk.  David has squelched himself so much…even though Dad does that narcissist ‘special buddy’ thing with him…his voice has even shrunken and the pitch raised.  I spent most of my life even as an adult, trying to figure out what would please a man who does not respect others,  and that is a real waste.  Please stop that selfish bully.  Please free my family.”
“Turning point in narcissistic abuse recovery:  The moment that I discovered that I was targeted not because of anything that was wrong with me…but because there were so many things right about me.”  (lost the link)
Sure hope I can go to Toronto pretty soon.  There are Swedish people there, and also concerts and museums so Josh would come to visit me a lot.  He is an anthropologist and he loves this band. Aren’t they cool?  (Josh likes techno-swing best I think, and he is also very cool.)

MOVITS! – Fel Del Av Gården (Officiell)

Do you know how many times my parents sent my niece to an expensive language camp?  Many times; George and I even drove to Bemidji to pick her up.  They paid for Isaac to attend once, too.  Now Josh could possibly learn Swedish and it wouldn’t cost anywhere near the price of that international community in Minnesota.  They could just let us sleep at my condo that they have not yet given me…they haven’t even let me in the door for ten years!  I always did the laundry and left things nice when I borrowed it to ATTEND CHURCH SERVICES.
On more recent mega-family visits they would always put my family in a hotel and require that we walk many miles to meet the rest of the ‘fam’ at a restaurant or something.  Nice, huh?  (They don’t invite me on trips anymore since Dad got REALLY PISSED that I wouldn’t go to Finland because I was campaigning and had TAKEN DONATIONS FROM PEOPLE so I really wanted to do my best.  Apparently he couldn’t understand my responsibility and commitment to others.) When the condo is mine, I’ll let him sleep-over any time he wants, Mom and everybody else too.  I’ll even change their sheets and clean the bathroom for them.  That’s the kind of person I am.  When I borrowed money from my mom for my leather couches she said I was the only one of her children to pay her back. Isn’t it ridiculous (and telling…)  that they tried to tell the world that I am defective?  I guess if you’re a fraud it’s threatening to be seen out and about with the real deal.
8:09 am
“We have not come to hear the voice of a mere man.  We have come Lord, baring our hearts, to make ourselves known to you, that you may speak to us.”
(We met Sadhu years ago, and he prayed for us and he spoke to us about Isaac.  We went to see him at a number of the Chinese churches in Toronto.  I even took my former-friend who is now a federal judge and who threw me under the bus.)